I Have Become Her

As I stood waving good -bye to my daughter with my husband by my side, I couldn’t help but envision my mother doing the same thing, only I was the one driving away back then.

I have officially become my mother. I remember she used to stand and wave at me as I got in my car to drive away from her. I was eager and young and ready to take on the world. She would look at me with both pride and sadness in her eyes.

At the time, I didn’t reflect on how she was feeling, I just moved on to whatever else I had going on; oblivious to my mom’s feelings.

I miss my daughter and long for the days when I knew where she was every night and knew what she was up to most of the time. Now, I get very little information and see her so infrequently. I am proud of what she is doing and how well she has adapted to college but a little part of me still wants her safely in our home.

As I think of these things, I realize my mother felt the same way. I see her in me more these days than not. I guess what she used to tell me about one day understanding why she did what she did was right.  The one day has finally arrived.

I understand my mother now better than I ever have in my life. My mom passed away several years ago. I wish she were here for me to share my newfound sympathy for her. The only thing that gives me comfort when I miss her in this way is knowing that we don’t end when we die. She didn’t end. I carry her forward and so do my siblings and now, my children. The impact she made on my life carries her forward.

I am okay with becoming her. When I was a teen that was the furthest thing from my mind and there were days I would say I never wanted to be like her. Now however, I see that becoming her is an honor. I hope that someday, my daughter too will reflect on me and how I feel in this moment in time and she too connects with me in a deeper way whether I am physically present or not.

I hope she too becomes Her.