Author: Esther Vanderwal

As I stood waving good -bye to my daughter with my husband by my side, I couldn’t help but envision my mother doing the same thing, only I was the one driving away back then.

I have officially become my mother. I remember she used to stand and wave at me as I got in my car to drive away from her. I was eager and young and ready to take on the world. She would look at me with both pride and sadness in her eyes.

At the time, I didn’t reflect on how she was feeling, I just moved on to whatever else I had going on; oblivious to my mom’s feelings.

I miss my daughter and long for the days when I knew where she was every night and knew what she was up to most of the time. Now, I get very little information and see her so infrequently. I am proud of what she is doing and how well she has adapted to college but a little part of me still wants her safely in our home.

As I think of these things, I realize my mother felt the same way. I see her in me more these days than not. I guess what she used to tell me about one day understanding why she did what she did was right.  The one day has finally arrived.

I understand my mother now better than I ever have in my life. My mom passed away several years ago. I wish she were here for me to share my newfound sympathy for her. The only thing that gives me comfort when I miss her in this way is knowing that we don’t end when we die. She didn’t end. I carry her forward and so do my siblings and now, my children. The impact she made on my life carries her forward.

I am okay with becoming her. When I was a teen that was the furthest thing from my mind and there were days I would say I never wanted to be like her. Now however, I see that becoming her is an honor. I hope that someday, my daughter too will reflect on me and how I feel in this moment in time and she too connects with me in a deeper way whether I am physically present or not.

I hope she too becomes Her.

“The merry-go-round goes round and round never going anywhere new, but it’s safe.”

This line was in the movie “American Crime.” I thought it resonated with many of the clients that I see. Often we sit on a merry-go-round of life, staying in the place that we know because it feels safer than venturing out. Unfortunately, when we do this, it limits us in unimaginable ways.

It’s scary to get off the merry-go-round. We don’t know what’s out there and have to rely on sheer faith that what will happen next will be okay and perhaps even be more than what we could imagine.

Even if what we have on the merry-go-round is bad and we don’t like it, often we stay in it because we are fearful of what we don’t know. In this particular movie, the two girls were living in an abusive home and not leaving because they weren’t sure if leaving could be worse. If you watch the movie, you will see that they were in one of the most abusive situations you could find yourself in, yet, they were still bound to that merry-go-round. It wasn’t safe yet; they stayed there because it was what they knew.

This very same thing happens to many who are in abusive relationships. Not knowing whether you will end up alone or worse off is one of the reasons why so many stay in their current situation. The fear of being alone over rides the abuse that a person has been enduring.

Let me say that again because it’s so very important to understand this about human nature.

The fear of being alone over-rides the abuse.

This gives you a different perspective on how important relationships are to people. We fear being alone more than being treated poorly. Human nature drives us to be in relationships.

So how do you get off the merry-go-round?

You do this with support from a good therapist and with support from family and friends. Having relationships that sustain you so that you don’t feel alone is of upmost importance.

Often in abusive relationships, the abuser will work to alienate all others so that the sole dependence is on them. This is how the abuse cycle is sustained. The only way to break it is to form other relationships, so that the person in the abusive situation can feel safe enough and in relationship enough with others to leave.

If you need help getting off the merry-go-round, call to set up an appointment.

Insurance does cover the cost of seeing a therapist but there are a few things you should know and ask about.

Does your therapist take your insurance?

Many therapists are only credentialed with certain insurance companies; some due to their choice and some due to the insurance not accepting more providers.

If you have out of network benefits, your insurance may still pay, so ask your insurance provider to see if you have that benefit.

Are there many providers that accept your insurance?

Our agency accepts BCBS CareFirst, Medicaid (state insurance), and Tricare. Check with your insurance plan to see how many mental health providers accept your insurance in the area.

When looking up mental health providers on Psychology Today, look at their site to see what insurance they accept or if they will accept a sliding fee.

When you renew your insurance, make sure your provider accepts the insurance you are getting and if you are paying out of pocket, consider changing your insurance to one that your provider accepts.

What is your deductible? 

When choosing insurance plans, you are often deciding whether to pay a higher monthly fee with a lower deductible or a lower monthly fee with a higher deductible.  This is important when seeing a therapist.  If you have a high deductible, you will have to meet that cost prior to having insurance pay for the sessions.  This deductible goes toward any medical care that you receive and a mental health provider is a medical expense.  The insurance company does lower the full fee cost of seeing there therapist if your therapist is credentialed through them, because they have an agreement for a set fee.  However, the fee can still be high per session until your deductible is met.

Many pay the fees initially at the beginning of the year for mental health providers and other healthcare providers but toward the middle or end of the year, have met the deductible and no longer have to worry about that fee.  Be aware that at the beginning of the year, you may see higher charges to see your mental health providers as the deductible is reset each year.

What are your co-pays?

Your co-pay should be listed on your card under specialty provider. If not, you can easily look that up on-line or call to ask your insurance company about your co-pay. Many have co-pays until the deductible is met and thereafter don’t but it’s very individual. Your provider may be able to look this up for you but you should really call on your own to make sure that you understand your insurance.

Do you have a Health Savings Account (HSA)?

If you have this plan at work, they take a certain amount of your pay every pay cycle and often give you a credit card to use. This money is taken before it’s taxed and you can use it for health care costs. You may use this card to pay for your deductibles and co-pays.

I hope this information is useful.  Please let us know if we can answer any questions.

I have many clients ask me if they have to have a mental health diagnosis such as Generalized Anxiety, Major Depression or Bi-polar Disorder to see a therapist.

The answer is no. You don’t have to have a major diagnosis to see a therapist. We do have codes for issues that crop up in relationships, marriages, work life or any other situation that is creating problems for a person.

Insurance does pay for you to visit a therapist for these issues.

If you have been on the fence regarding calling to talk to someone for any struggles you have in life, please feel free to call. We would rather see clients before things in relationships become so dysfunctional that help could be too late.

Call today to set up an appointment.

As a therapist I find myself telling many clients to remember self care. It’s interesting that we have to be reminded to take care of ourselves. In our fast paced society however, that key, yet necessary element is often overlooked.

As a mom I rarely if ever eat the last slice of anything. I leave it for someone else. It’s the same with our use of time.

In this blog I’m asking you to not only have the last slice, but to reserve it for yourself.

In scripture we find references to lamps of oil that help light the way but we also read that it’s necessary to fill those oil lamps.

I’m always surprised by the reminder being needed even in those days. Perhaps society or human nature hasn’t changed that much over time.

The way you take care of yourself can be different for everyone. For one (me), it might be writing. For another (used to be me), it might be running. Whatever it is that fills you up and helps you feel ready to meet the challenges of everyday, that is your self care.

So today’s assignment is to reserve that last slice for yourself and fill your oil lamp.

 

Photo Credit:  April Fernandes Photography

Sorry for my delay in getting these out this week, but the new building has really put us behind on some things.  I do hope couples are checking in and using these questions to engage in communication with one another.  This week’s questions are:

 

1.  If you were in a relationship that was fulfilling in every other area, except for the fact that sex was nonexistent, would you stay?
2. What are your top three personal values?
3. When do you feel the most drawn and attracted to me?
4. How do you feel most challenge in life?
5. What’s most challenging to you about being a parent?