Author: Esther Vanderwal

By Molly Rowen

It’s common for people to have certain things that they worry about more than other things. One worry is about our social interactions. You may have heard about, or even experienced yourself, how people lay awake at night replaying the conversations they had that day, picking apart little details that may not matter in the long run, but seem impactful at the moment. A lot of times people analyze their own behaviors and words– or lack thereof– beating themselves up for how they portrayed themselves, or wishing that they had done something differently.

Social anxiety holds people back from opportunities, as well as from being ourselves and forming meaningful relationships. It is very uncomfortable and discouraging to live life feeling like we can’t be our authentic self. No matter how much we tell ourselves we are going to change, the truth of the matter is that it doesn’t happen with the flip of a switch. You hope that one day you’ll wake up and not be shy or not fear social situations. The reality is that it is not that simple, and does not go away with pure willpower.  

We can be our own worst enemy. We can hold ourselves back from opportunities for fear of being ridiculed or rejected. It’s easy to avoid situations where we might be rejected. It’s easy to be ourselves in the comfort of our own bubble.

So, how do we move past the guards we put up around us? You can start by putting yourself into uncomfortable situations until they start to become comfortable. In a way, I can relate to this because I am shy and, like all humans, I want to be liked and accepted for who I am. My whole life has been a series of uncomfortable situations that I put myself into because I have dreams and goals that are bigger than my shyness and self-doubt.  

We can also work towards stepping out of our comfort zone by changing the way we talk to ourselves. We can be so negative and analytical towards ourselves without even realizing it. Do you think you want to change your lens? We are here to help.

First days of schools are here or lurking. For many school-aged kids it’s a source of anxiety rather than excitement.

Many of the kids that I work with, share that lunch time is the most anxiety filling time of a new school year. Who will they have lunch with? Will they be alone at a table and that set the course for the entire school year? Do they approach someone already at a table and risk rejection?

Being mindful that kids are anxious at this time of year is helpful for adults who support them.

Talk to your children about lunch time and how they can handle the social situation that may set the course for them for the year.

Listen, without judgment, to what they are struggling with even if it seems to you to be a minor detail. Their social world is of upmost importance during middle school and high school.

Help them know they have the power to also reach out to others and chart their own path rather than waiting on others to set it for them.

Talk to them regarding how to handle rejection from a peer and move on to another situation without it defining how they think of themselves.

Remember that even as an adult, we are navigating who we sit next to and the feeling of wanting acceptance.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

It’s that time of year when families are posting pictures of their kid’s first day of school pictures. It’s fun to see and it’s one of the many perks of social media however one of the drawbacks is also seeing how quickly time flies.

It gives me pause to reflect on life and the life cycle. I don’t think it was ever so evident to me until recently. It seems just yesterday I was going to college and loading up my car and waving casually at my mom. Now, I am the mom who stands there tearfully waving at my daughter.

I am watching my friend’s kids graduate from the military academies and moving to their first duty stations. Some newly married. Wasn’t that just yesterday that it was happening for me? Newly stationed at Spokane, Washington.

Some of my friend’s children are starting their families. It’s sweet to watch and I love seeing the pictures of their new grand children. I am not in that stage yet but know that I will blink and it will be my turn.

New generations forging their lives, just like I did. It’s just a continuous circle hopefully with the next generation being in a better financial state, better environmental and social mindset.

Time is flying by. It’s fast and furious. It is making me reflect to make sure that I am doing all that I can for others and to pass along something of myself that will go on.

I thought leaving my girl at college would sadden me, but staying focused on the excitement of what the future holds for her as I watch on the sidelines is keeping me smiling.

To quote a song that keeps resonating in my mind, “Life’s about change and nothing ever stays the same” (Patty Loveless).

I know that sometimes we all struggle through significant life changes.  Even if the changes are positive ones, they are still stressful.  Perhaps some of you have many of these changes going on at once, the load you are carrying might feel too heavy.

If you are struggling with life’s changes and feel either too stressed or anxious and you need someone to help you work through them, please give us a call.

One of the biggest predictors of a successful marriage is whether a couple can work through conflict in a way that is satisfying to both.  

Often I see that couples who have made attempts to resolve conflict and have found that one person seems to give in to the other more times than not. The one who seemingly “wins” the arguments feels good about things but what about the other person?

If one person feels that their voice is not being heard or respected, things begin to fall apart.  

The unheard person may begin to withdraw or respond in passive aggressive ways.

Often when a couple comes in to see me, one person has already disengaged from the relationship.  

It’s not impossible for a marriage to survive this situation but it does take time to heal it and change patterns.

All too often I hear one person in the marriage say they had no idea anything was wrong. They didn’t get into arguments with their spouse so they thought things were fine.  What they didn’t realize is that their partner had already given up and stopped trying to be heard.

Disagreement in marriage is normal and healthy.  

If two people feel safe enough to explore differing thoughts with one another and are able to feel that they are both valued and respected no matter the outcome, disagreement is healthy.  

Perhaps a good task this week is to engage in a conversation with your spouse or partner to evaluate if you are resolving conflict in a way that is satisfying to both and if your disagreements are healthy.

Don’t wait and be caught off guard.  Place importance on tending the garden of your relationship.  Sometimes we don’t do this until it’s either too late or the marriage is put in a precarious position. Then we react in desperation to save what we then realize should have been the focus all along.  

If you are struggling to feel heard in your marriage, please give us a call to schedule an appointment.